Reflecting on 20 years as a sex worker

This year marks my 20th year as a sex worker.

Admittedly, I haven’t been a full-time sex worker for 20 years. There have been seasons, my involvement has waxed and waned as my life shifted through relationships and living situations and attempts at civilian careers. In the back of my head, I’ve spent those years still identifying as a sex worker; though I wasn’t active, it was a part of me that I wanted to keep.

This year, I am choosing to honor that history by recommitting myself to the work. Recommitting to my peers… those who are just starting out like I was 20 years ago, and those who have dabbled. Those who have built empires within the industry and those who swing back through when they need reliable work they know how to do or that feels accessible to where they are in life.

Over this past year, I’ve learned that there are many ways to measure success. America’s capitalist culture will have you believing that money is the only true measure. But we look around at those with money, and we don’t see ourselves; we don’t want to be anything resembling these oligarchs of selfish destruction. I see little value in wealth, personally. But I was recently reminded that success can also look like showing up, consistently.

Some days I can give 110%, and some days I can only give 20%. There have been days where I couldn’t show up at all… so I showed up the next day. Some days bring in multiple zeros while others are oppressively quiet… but I still show up the next day. That’s become my measure of success.

20 years ago, I answered an ad in the back of my town’s alt weekly newspaper: LIVE MODELS WANTED. After a quick phone call, a woman showed up to my apartment and handed me a camcorder and a video extension card for my PC, and I became a sex worker. I worked on a cam network alongside some of my favorite names in mainstream porn… me! Lil ol me. I felt connected, and powerful. The work was hard; I didn’t have much guidance. I made some impressively stupid mistakes. But I showed up.

Life continued, evolved. I weaved in and out of sex work, sometimes missing it when I wasn’t active, sometimes resenting it when I was.

Four years ago, I once again returned to sex work for the third? fourth? time. So much has changed since I started twenty years ago (and so much hasn’t). And 2020 was… interesting times; it was easy work at first, not terribly demanding. That shifted as the market shifted, as the world “returned to normal” but with all of us changed in ways we often couldn’t put into words. The work isn’t as easy now, but I still want to do it. Difficult work is still worth doing.

Two years ago, I bought a website from a woman; it was a website I had used myself. I saw the potential in it. It felt like a jewel in the rough, and I wanted to hone it. I’ve accrued so many very diverse skills throughout my life and this website felt like it could be a fruitful amalgamation of those experiences, honed to a gleaming gem. And then, a little bit at a time over the next six months, my life fell apart. It was all I could do to show up for myself some days, let alone my fans and customers. I couldn’t fathom how to show up for my community.

Being a sex worker is one thing, but running a business for sex workers? In this economy? Oof. But I refused to give up or admit defeat or walk away, tending to the project as it simmered quietly on a back burner. Giving it a stir when I was able. Adding a bit of water as needed. Not the measure of success I was expecting of myself, but I at least showed up enough to hold down the basics.

It’s been 20 years since I became a sex worker, and so much has changed in that time. The technology, first and foremost. The laws and legislations, absolutely. I’ve changed too, in so many ways… and in so many ways, I haven’t changed at all. And now I see that—being able to see myself, and being able to show up as myself—as a kind of success as well. So that’s two ways I’m successful: in my life and my work. Nice.

It’s been four years since I came back into the most welcoming, strongest community I’ve ever known, into this work that feels natural to me despite its challenges. And it’s been two years since my life turned upside down, for better or for worse. I’ll admit: life is still hard. I feel like I have more 20-30% days lately than I do 80-90%. I’m by no means financially successful. But I show up.

I’ve finally hit that point where I have hiked long enough to know the environment, even if the terrain keeps shifting. I’ve hiked high enough that I can see a path ahead, even if I don’t have all the tools I need to clear it yet. Maybe in the past I’ve walked a trail cleared by others, but now? Now I get to choose which direction I move in. I’ve been traveling these woods for twenty years and now, I think it’s my turn to clear the path for others. Right now I feel strong enough to do that work. And there’s no time like the present.

Here’s to our continued success, mine AND yours. Hell, here’s to another 20 years.